SomaCow

 

 168: Douche Ex Machina [59:00m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by The Society to Exterminate Muscovy Ducks. If it isn’t an organization yet, it needs to be.

In this, our finest hour, we began floating ideas for the FatManLympics, we helped a mother in need, and home defense.

For those of you living under the enormous rock that surely covers the 5.9 billion people that DON’T yet listen to SomaCow, we’re gearing up for the FatManLympics. We’ve set the event during the hottest months, where temperatures are set to skyrocket into the 100s. We’re selecting the stoutest of men, challenging them in their weakest and strongest areas of collective expertise. We’re looking into getting chocolate medals. It’s going to be huge, if nothing else. So, we need about 10 events. So far we have seen suggestions ranging from Truck Trailer Operation to Shoe Tying, and I am still accepting submissions, so, if you want to participate, or at the very least, suggest a competition, do hurry!

We sent Mother’s Day spinning in her wheelchair back to her cheap rest home with a call from listener Mama Juggs. It seems that she was trapped at home on Mother’s Day, slaving away on some project while her kids ignored her pleas for help. I hope it all turned out well, and thanks to Mama J for giving us a call. You, too, are welcome to join in each Sunday from 2-5pm Eastern, just give a call to 407-788-0479, and turn your internets down!

Not to be missed - We talked about what you do when you hear something go bump in the night. I am a firm believer in fat naked fighting, but when I gained weight, I found I suddenly wanted a robe to cover up, so the guy stealing my television wouldn’t have to look at my man boobs, I guess? I am still not sure why. What weapon do you keep for home defense? I was flirting with buying a gun, but the wife is so dead set against it, it would almost do LESS damage to my marriage if I simply let the home invader get all rapey.

Some great stuff in this hour, including sage wisdom from J and Elross, as Mickey again abandons us for what I hope will be the final hour. Don’t forget to check out my review of The Screwtape Letters, by C.Esh. Lewish. It’s damned fine (and short!) literature!

Oh, and as promised! This, This, and THIS are just a few links to some of the great Engrish out there. Enjoy!

You know who always spells their words carefully? THESE HOT BANDS FEATURED IN THIS HOUR OF THE ‘COW:

• April March - Sugar
• April March - Mon Petit Ami

The archives indicate that it’s been quite a while since I gave you any Top 10 lists, so let’s see what I can come up with today:

10. Finding out the name of that chick who was in that movie with that guy who was in that other movie with that other guy.

9. Correcting people who say “your” when they really mean “you’re”.

8. Finding the “Schnitzel Hut” location nearest you.

7. Getting really good deals on Viagra, Home Mortgage refinances and Viagra.

6. Purchasing a radish on eBay that looks just like Howey Mandel.

5. Getting rid of pesky acquaintances by forwarding them 1,800 emails that threaten to render them impotent, homeless and audited by the IRS if they break the chain by not forwarding them to 10 friends by midnight tonight.

4. Ordering the GREATEST consumer product EVER invented: Mighty Putty!

3. Using Google Maps to look up the exact spot where you lost your virginity:

2. Watching/Listening to SomaCow, live on Sundays from 2-5pm eastern, podcast on M-W-F.

And the number one Most Valuable Use for the Internet OTHER Than Porn:

1. Finding pictures of nudist camps, birthing videos, bra and girdle catalogs, breast augmentation before and after pictures, topless feminist protests and animal husbandry videos that, technically, are NOT porn.

10. Dolly Parton’s Dixie Stampede

9. Kelp, Kelp, Kelp!

8. Sinkholes of the Rich and Famous

7. The Central Florida Dermatologist’s Association art exhibit: The Seven Wonders of the Ancient World Modeled Out of Peeled Sunburned Skin (May 19th - 25th at Regent’s Hall)

6. Sandal World (merging soon with “White Sock World”)

5. Confederate Flag Mart (next door to ‘Splodin’ Stuff fireworks stand)

4. Central Florida Zoo Exotic Animals Pavilion (this month’s exotic animal: Weiner Dogs, Canines of Mystery)

3. ‘Possum Junction

2. Ted Bundy Memorial Park & Petting Zoo

And the number one Worst Central Florida Tourist Attraction:

1. Sweaty City Aroma Experience

 

 167: Did You Bring Enough For Everyone, Ma'am? [56:20m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by Enfamil. If you want a baby with allergies, stomach cramps, constipation, ear infections, and a low IQ, you CANNOT go wrong with formula!

In this hour, we discussed Home Birth vs. Hospital Death, Public Breastfeeding, and just what do you do with all those leftovers?

When I first met my wife, I held a vague image of what a birth should be like. The mother would lie down in a sterile hospital, surrounded by competent medical staff, who would work to get a television on for her so she would not be bored while she sat through her experience. She’d rest, munching ice chips and bon bons, comfortably numb from the waist down, and waiting for gravity, or a pair of tongs, to gently wrest her baby from inside of her body. I, the beleaguered and smoking husband, would pace, at a bar, presumably, and wait for a shiny black rotary phone hung on the wall to ring. Upon the moment of birth, a nurse would call me, and I would hand out cigars and go to meet my son. Or daughter. Probably son, though.

Fast forward to today. After spending some time researching the topic, watching The Business of Being Born, and speaking to God knows how many angry women, I now realize that hospital birth is unnatural. Hospitals are a place for the dying. What good they did in cutting back the infant mortality rate is now being overshadowed by the rising tide of generally unwell people we are becoming. Diabetes, infections, weak immune systems and most of today’s illnesses and emotional disorders can be drawn back, convincingly, to improper treatment of the mother and the fetus during birth.

It’s entirely possible that the ass that just cut you off in traffic, flicking a cigarette butt at your windshield and chowing down on a bacon double cheeseburger was in fact NOT breastfed as a child. Or, J. Or Mickey, last year? Or even me. But I was breastfed… Most of the time.

We discussed public breastfeeding, which I am for, and dry-boob breastfeeding, which I am not for, and the oversexualization of a food source. I ask the men of our audience, have you ever wondered just WHY you like boobs so much? I always thought it was silly, but I learned through enough Married With Children episodes that it was my duty to care for the bags of milk glands, and so I did. I wouldn’t want to go back, but… To this day, when I see boobs, I am sort of unimpressed. Cursed, my existence.

We also chatted about Placentas. In my birthing class, I learned that some people sell Breast Milk and/or Placenta tissue on the internet. Is this true? This cannot be true. Somebody, get me a fact sheet, or a final sale Ebay auction, or something. Our teacher said that there was a doctor with some kind of cancer, and he was paying fat bank for mom moojuice on the internets. Urban legend? Let me know.

Mickey was out again, and so Ross filled in with us once more, giving some good fatherly advice beside J on the subject of Potty Training, Violence at Furniture, and even stepping up for a little Life Coaching at the :40! It’s truly a One to Grow On moment for everyone involved! Those of you bored from the boob talk can enjoy our suggestion for the newest RonCo Device.

We supped from the burgeoning teats of the following great boobs:

• The Meat Purveyors - 100 miles
• Birds & Batteries - Heart of Gold